Where the HELL is Edd?

I want to apologize for disappearing of ya'll. These last three months have been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I mentioned in my last blog posted on June 1, 2008 that thanks to my weight loss, I finally found the confidence to apply for a management job in the agency I worked at. I went for the interview and within a week they called and offered me the position. I was so excited it was crazy because this was one of my goals that I had set for myself years ago and feared I would never have the self confidence to ever do it.

The news was great. They called me on Friday afternoon and wanted me to start on the following Monday. I was in shock, but agreed to it because I was not really happy with the position I was currently holding, plus my supervisor was already guessing I would get it. The other issue was the position was in a different location, about a hour drive south of my condo.

The whole process was stressful as hell. I was spending two hours on the road every day, searching/posting ads for people looking roommates, trying to adjust to having a staff of 12 people, with two of the positions vacant and had to be filled. I had to start off running and I have yet to stop. Our end of the fiscal year is October 1^st, so I have to fill the positions, learn about budgets and handle several major projects that got dumped on the position when they found out I got it. I have already had to dye my hair to hide the gray…lol.

I know you must think I am crazy, but I actually love my job. It is stressful and demanding, but I feel accomplished at the tend of the day. However, there is a downfall, with everything I was doing, I let my health go as usual. I only took 15 minute lunches and by the time I got home it was about 7 or 8 o'clock at night, so I started visiting Taco Bell and eating ice cream as dessert. I think you can imagine what happened.

Finally, about a month or so ago, I found a place to live close to my job. BTW, my new work location is in Sarasota, Florida. It has got to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I will try to post some picture for ya'll. About the same time, I also rented out my condo for year. Things were going really well and I started trying to watch what I was eating better and began going for walks in the evening on park that is really an island. It is really nice. I was doing three miles a day and managed to keep my weight at 240 lbs, which means I would have maintain everything for two months.

I am not sure where things went wrong, but something inside of me is really sad. I think it is because for all the beauty in this City, the gay community is ugly and the people (because it is a beach community) might be too in shape. I still see the old 308 lb me in the mirror and when you see half naked men with in shape bodies every where it sucks. I guess it should inspire me, but it hasn't so far. I even quit walking at night.

I am not sure what to do. My whole life has been focused on my career and I am finally happy with it. I am just not happy with me. My roomie is great, but there are some issues there which are contributing to my unhealthiness. He has kids and they are all poor, so I feel guilty about cooking anything and I don't have enough money to pay for a whole family.

The good news about this situation is I have been pre-approved to buy a house here in Sarasota. I think once I get my own place I will do better. I will be able to monitor my eating habits better and cook. I will feel comfortable inviting people to come over for visits. I can have friends and family visit me. I can set-up a home gym again.

I had a doctor's appointment last week and in a month's time I gained 7 lbs of just pure unhappiness. The doctor asked me what is happening and I explained everything to him. Plus I told him I am having trouble with eating fish and chicken. He told me he thinks my band might be too tight and we might need to loosen it to allow me to eat healthier food, which would be great, but I won't do it in my current living situation.

Overall, I am still doing well with my weight. It has now been a year (my band-iversary was 09/04/08) for me. I am down a total for 61lbs, which I don't think is too horrible. In fact, I have inspired one of my best friends who is over 500 lbs to go see my doctor and it looks like he might have surgery towards the end of the year. I am really excited for him because he is so talented that ya'll will know him one day if he can lose this weight before it kills him.

As for me, I need to find happiness in not just my career, but my social life because the reason I like to work late and do special projects is because I have nothing to come home to. I am in a new City, with no friends or family, and the only thing that seems to like me is food, which I don't honestly like. With all my stress, I have lost support in my new life style change. The only thing I can really eat is Taco Bell, which I am now growing to hate. I think I am also eating to punish myself for not being more outgoing and social. I guess there is a part of me that I just don't like at all. I wish I could change the man in the mirror. I guess time will tell.