Where the HELL is Edd?

I want to apologize for disappearing of ya'll. These last three months have been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I mentioned in my last blog posted on June 1, 2008 that thanks to my weight loss, I finally found the confidence to apply for a management job in the agency I worked at. I went for the interview and within a week they called and offered me the position. I was so excited it was crazy because this was one of my goals that I had set for myself years ago and feared I would never have the self confidence to ever do it.

The news was great. They called me on Friday afternoon and wanted me to start on the following Monday. I was in shock, but agreed to it because I was not really happy with the position I was currently holding, plus my supervisor was already guessing I would get it. The other issue was the position was in a different location, about a hour drive south of my condo.

The whole process was stressful as hell. I was spending two hours on the road every day, searching/posting ads for people looking roommates, trying to adjust to having a staff of 12 people, with two of the positions vacant and had to be filled. I had to start off running and I have yet to stop. Our end of the fiscal year is October 1^st, so I have to fill the positions, learn about budgets and handle several major projects that got dumped on the position when they found out I got it. I have already had to dye my hair to hide the gray…lol.

I know you must think I am crazy, but I actually love my job. It is stressful and demanding, but I feel accomplished at the tend of the day. However, there is a downfall, with everything I was doing, I let my health go as usual. I only took 15 minute lunches and by the time I got home it was about 7 or 8 o'clock at night, so I started visiting Taco Bell and eating ice cream as dessert. I think you can imagine what happened.

Finally, about a month or so ago, I found a place to live close to my job. BTW, my new work location is in Sarasota, Florida. It has got to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I will try to post some picture for ya'll. About the same time, I also rented out my condo for year. Things were going really well and I started trying to watch what I was eating better and began going for walks in the evening on park that is really an island. It is really nice. I was doing three miles a day and managed to keep my weight at 240 lbs, which means I would have maintain everything for two months.

I am not sure where things went wrong, but something inside of me is really sad. I think it is because for all the beauty in this City, the gay community is ugly and the people (because it is a beach community) might be too in shape. I still see the old 308 lb me in the mirror and when you see half naked men with in shape bodies every where it sucks. I guess it should inspire me, but it hasn't so far. I even quit walking at night.

I am not sure what to do. My whole life has been focused on my career and I am finally happy with it. I am just not happy with me. My roomie is great, but there are some issues there which are contributing to my unhealthiness. He has kids and they are all poor, so I feel guilty about cooking anything and I don't have enough money to pay for a whole family.

The good news about this situation is I have been pre-approved to buy a house here in Sarasota. I think once I get my own place I will do better. I will be able to monitor my eating habits better and cook. I will feel comfortable inviting people to come over for visits. I can have friends and family visit me. I can set-up a home gym again.

I had a doctor's appointment last week and in a month's time I gained 7 lbs of just pure unhappiness. The doctor asked me what is happening and I explained everything to him. Plus I told him I am having trouble with eating fish and chicken. He told me he thinks my band might be too tight and we might need to loosen it to allow me to eat healthier food, which would be great, but I won't do it in my current living situation.

Overall, I am still doing well with my weight. It has now been a year (my band-iversary was 09/04/08) for me. I am down a total for 61lbs, which I don't think is too horrible. In fact, I have inspired one of my best friends who is over 500 lbs to go see my doctor and it looks like he might have surgery towards the end of the year. I am really excited for him because he is so talented that ya'll will know him one day if he can lose this weight before it kills him.

As for me, I need to find happiness in not just my career, but my social life because the reason I like to work late and do special projects is because I have nothing to come home to. I am in a new City, with no friends or family, and the only thing that seems to like me is food, which I don't honestly like. With all my stress, I have lost support in my new life style change. The only thing I can really eat is Taco Bell, which I am now growing to hate. I think I am also eating to punish myself for not being more outgoing and social. I guess there is a part of me that I just don't like at all. I wish I could change the man in the mirror. I guess time will tell.

A New Life

I just wanted to give a shout out to everyone who is trying to lose weight. I would also like for them to think about setting non-scale victories (NSV), such as getting into a new outfit, being able to ride the roller coasters, or getting the confidence to do new things. I think it is good to have an NSV because it gives you something else to focus on other then that damn scale number, which doesn’t always count because sometimes I don’t lose anything but inches. For those of you that are just starting to lose weight, please don’t lose faith because you will reach your goal. Some people lose really fast or non-stop and others only lose a couple of pounds a month. I had a goal in mind and thought I would not be happy until I reached it, but I was wrong. I am finally at a weight that I feel comfortable. My health is good and I feel like I can run a marathon. Don’t get me wrong, I am still overweight and need to lose about 50+ pounds. I was just wrong about how far away that light was at the end of the tunnel, and I hope you will find out that your happiness may come sooner then you think.

For the first time in my life, I don’t want to stay home (which sucks with the current gas prices). However, since I never went out before I am not sure what I want to do or where to go, but I am so comfortable that I am finally trying to get out and meet people more, especially since some of my old friends don’t seem to feel comfortable around me now that I have lost weight and they haven’t. My new found confidence has also allowed me to apply for a management job (which I should hear about by the middle of June so keep your fingers crossed). If I don’t get that job, I am also considering just moving to a new city (probably Atlanta) and making a fresh start. I guess sometimes you just have to take risks, the first of which for me was having surgery.

It is the first day of June and my goal for this month is to lose 10 lbs. I am not sure if I will reach that goal, but it is worth trying and I think it is possible. I think it helps to set small goals and try for them rather then focus on the final goal. It helps that I have pretty much maintained my weight over the past couple of weeks and my body seems like it is ready to begin moving forward again. I think the more weight I lose the more confident and free I will feel to do just about anything. I would love to go white water rafting one day, yeah I know I am crazy, but aren’t we all just a little. I’ll keep ya posted on my progress.

~Think Positive and Stay Healthy~

Reflection - My Body and Weight Loss

Can you believe it has been almost two weeks since my last doctor visit? I cannot believe how fast the time has passed. I am suppose to go back to the doctor in two weeks, but I don't think that is necessary since my body has decided after losing so much in one month that is it going to go into a plateaued mode. It is a little frustrating, but I am learning to deal with it. I have kinda taken the past two weeks off to allow my body to gain a little bit of weight so it thinks I am not starving or overworking it. It seems to be happy now and my knees have also healed, which means I can finally start working out again. I will keep you posted on how that goes.

I just wanted to remind those who read this and have the lap-band, weight loss surgery or any kind of diet that the body is kinda funny and very frustrating. We are all different and some of us lose non-stop (like the awesome FSP-Kim), some lose then go into plateaus after losing weight (that would be me) and some rush it and just gain because they put the body into shock. If you are like me, then you understand my frustration. I think is important to learn to read your body because it might help your frustration. What I have noticed with my body is that when I am on a plateau my body actually is losing inches instead of weight. I know we all want to see the number on the scale go down, but it just important that we do it right and allow ourselves to enjoy the moments when we get to buy new clothes or in my case fit into a roller coaster again. As frustrating as each of our bodies can be, the one thing I have learned through this process is be patient and accepting, which I know sounds funny. After realizing this I have set new goals that I think are realistic and attainable. My doctor would like for me to hit the 100 lb loss marker by my band anniversary, but my goal is to hit the 75 lb loss marker by then (September 4, 2008). I am giving myself until Christmas to lose 100 lbs and you must admit that is one hell of a present. I have no clue who I will feel when I hit that marker.

Ok, enough of me reflecting, let me tell you how things went the weekend after my doctor's appointment. As you know I was planning on going to see my childhood friend at her sister's wedding and I did go. I have added pics to my albums for you to check out how I have changed (which I have a hard time seeing in the mirror). The wedding was a success and everyone was happy to see me and that I lost so much weight. They kept telling me about it all night and wishing me the best, which I honestly needed to hear. It was nice seeing all of my friends and I miss my friends so much because they give me so much courage and confidence. After talking to them and discussing my future I will be making some very interesting changes in my future, so stay tuned.

Also, as I promised myself when I hit the 250 goal, I bought myself an annual pass to Busch Gardens. I was nervous because the last time I was there I could not fit into the roller coasters. The next day after the wedding I went to Busch Gardens with a friend and it didn't go as well as I had thought, but I was happy to finally fit in the seats. The bad part was the roller coaster bars that keep you in the seat pushed in on my port and after a few hours I was in a lot of pain, not to mention my head was throbbing from being tossed around. I think maybe once I lose more weight this might not be an issue. Anyways, we had to stop because I was getting sick and turning pale (which I now know was from dehydration and sinus issues). Overall, I don't regret it because I finally got to do something I had been telling myself I would not be able to go again. It was nice to be wrong. I hope each of you are setting small goals and accomplishing them too.

I wish you all the best on your journeys and I hope my blogs help. I think it is time for me to go work out. Catch ya later!

~Think Positive and Stay Healthy~